....Scared.

I really wish I could say i snagged this photo outta my moms old highschool yearbook. I wish a lot of things... but most of all I wish I could get inside someone's head and ask them what in gods name they were thinking when they left there house this morning. Due to confidentiality purposes (and me wanting to avoid a lawsuite)... i will not disclose where this photo was taken. However... that doesnt mean i am going to keep my opinion to myself. I am a gawd-damn american citizen and I have rights promised to me by the ammendments.

Dear Jazzy Bro- Thank you for making me smile- on what was a terrible bad day. It is clear to me that you have an 'Uncle Rico' thing going on, and are still stuck in your glory days. I wish this pic displayed the killer boots you were wearing, but nevertheless I will focus on what IS displayed. I LOVE the black acid wash jeans. I am willing to bet youve worked very hard to maintain your weight since highschool, which is when you purchased the levi's. Your white on white shirt dazzles me, and I think the 'everythings bigger in texas' style belt buckle really brings out just how ridiculous your mullet is.

If i sign you up for that show 'what not to wear' on TLC... will you keep an open mind and participate?

Good day, sir.

You stay classy, Cincinnati

Hello all! I've been hiding Anne Frank style, sorry to disappoint the loyal followers.
With this new year beginning, I am excited to embark on a new jazzy journey. What we have here, in the picture above, is your typical Jazzy hoe. First of all... did you use an air brush to apply your blush? Im not sure what look you are trying to portray with that one... but the impression I get is that you are in a constant state of embarrassment with those rosey cheeks. Whats with the zebra print dress? It reminds me of a design of something an old lady would wear who lives in a retirement community called "sun city" and who can be found in the vegas casinos playing slots for hours on end and drinking cheap cocktails. And for whatever reason this may be... that vision also triggers a a god awful stench for me. You know... some of that perfume that smells like bug spray. I understand you're trying to wear the red belt as an accessory... but REALLY? On a dress? Referring back to the old lady... im assuming your wearing it above your waistline to hold up you boobs. The hair fascinates me... its like a gruesome car wreck that I just cant seem to divert my eyes from. Im pretty sure Kelly Kapowski had that same hair style back in the 90's. I'm not sure where you are headed... but I'm assuming you won't be getting very far. You're sipping champagne with a straw and wearing shoes that i'm pretty sure you stole from a stripper.

SO... here's an Ode to you, miss 513. You stay classy now.

*Special thanks to Jenny and Michelle for this photo!!!